(here, in its entirety, i will display an open letter i wrote to the creators of the new british show “make me a mum”)

to whom it may concern,

first off: hi. how are you? i am fine, too. thanks for asking. now that the formalities are over, let’s get down to the exciting business at hand.

i have recently been privy to information about your upcoming show, make me a mum. not to come off as desperate, but i love the ideas you guys come up with (side note: where do you guys come up with your ideas? mine come to me in hot flashes!).

who else would come up with the idea of men competing to impregnate some/any woman? nobody. nobody else does it like you guys. so “what it all come down to” (love that song by the way, even though i know you had nothing to do with this, just thought you should know) is this: i would like to throw my hat (as it were, and is) into the ring.

i would be willing to donate more than just “that thing” you ask for. sperm! ha! i said it! i would donate blood, canned goods, old t-shirts that i hardly ever wear (sorry grandma, but yes that means that shirt you bought me), and other things that i could use to impregnate women.

what are my qualifications you might be asking yourself. well… well… i don’t know, but you didn’t ask that you tricky dogs you!!! here i am again asking myself questions. stupid, stupid, stupid daniel!

anyway, my hobbies include: bike riding, horse riding, boat riding, whale riding, and riding by the fire (not sure of the spelling on that).

another question before I turn up on your doorstep: how many women are we talking about because the more the merrier! in summation, i’m already at your doorstep.

sincerely
daniel (look up these traits in a police database for my last name, if you’re interested)