i know many of you are wondering why anthony is the only one posting on this site. if i was a crueler guy (and everyone knows i’m a muffin man), i’d say that it’s because he can’t find a job.* but since i’m a nice guy (quit rolling those eyes, everyone who knows me!) let’s just say it’s because i’ve been spending all of my free time playing xbox live.**

and by the way, daniel can’t find a job either.

ANYWAY, xbox live is pretty cool. when you sign up for a 12 month subscription, you get a magic headset that lets you talk to all the idiots that you’re playing against. that sounds kind of neat, but believe me, the novelty wears off after about 5 minutes.

mostly i’ve been playing burnout 3, and this is where the story heats up. so i was in this race with 3 other people. i’ll describe them for you:

1. a college guy
2. a 12 year old kid
3. an 8 year old australian kid

the australian kid was beating the shit out of all of us and talking with a funny accent, so the 12 year old was making fun of him. the college guy was paying lip service to the 12 year old’s disses, which mostly just consisted of saying that the kid was from england. this went on for a while, and i decided to get into the action. so, sarcastically, i said to the australian kid: “hey harry potter, i didn’t know hogwarts had dsl.”

let me tell you, the 12 year old loved it! he was cracking up for about 5 minutes and telling the college kid how funny i was. when everyone got sick of the australian kid, we all quit and joined different games. i ran into the 12 year old in another race, and as soon as he saw me join, he had to tell everyone there about how awesomely i burned the australian kid. which involved all the boring backstory that you guys just skimmed over. but he repeated this all to at least 3 different groups of people, and everyone was going nuts with laughter.

anyway, long story short, bill gates heard about my joke and decided to hire me as a joke writer for an event he’s attending in january.*** it’s a roast of apple head honcho steve jobs, so obviously bill wants to make sure he’s got a few zingers. if that goes well, i’ve got a good shot at becoming bill’s permanent joke writer for all of his speeches, interviews and public appearances. i’ve accepted the gig, but it means relocating to redmond. as you all know, i’ve got roots here in l.a., but frankly the hollywood lifestyle has taken its toll and i think i would benefit from the fresh air of the pacific northwest. and i’ve always wanted to see the space needle up close.

*this portion of the article was written before the tony roma’s news broke.

**this portion of the article was written before gta: san andreas came out.

***this portion of the article was written IN MY DREAMS!