if you’ve been keeping up with the michael “shoeless joe” jackson case, you were probably surprised to hear about me testifying yesterday. it was really no big deal. me and jack-o go way back (not thriller back, but pretty far), so when his legal team asked for my help, you know i was there! after a quick trip to men’s wearhouse.

anyway, the following “interview” is taken straight from the court records:

bigshot lawyer: “so, mr. nelson—”

joey: ”—THIS WHOLE COURT‘S OUT OF ORDER!”

bigshot lawyer: “uh…”

joey: “sorry. huge pacino fan. you were saying?”

bigshot lawyer: “when did you first encounter the accuser?”

joey: “you mean [name redacted]?”

bigshot lawyer: “yes.”

joey: “the [name redacted] that lives at [address redacted]?”

bigshot lawyer: “correct.”

joey: “oh, a few years back me, MJ and chris tucker were riding zebras through the hills of neverland.”

bigshot lawyer: “zebras?”

joey: “trained zebras.”

bigshot lawyer: “i see.”

joey: “anyway, we get back to the zebra stables, and keep in mind we’d been partaking pretty heavily of the jesus juice. anyway [name redacted] is there and michael introduced us all. after MJ was done molesting him—”

bigshot lawyer: “you saw michael jackson molest [name redacted]?”

joey: “oh, yeah, we all did.”

bigshot lawyer: “you and chris tucker saw michael jackson molest [name redacted]?”

joey: “no, no, no. me and chris tucker HELPED michael jackson molest [name redacted]. i think jay leno was there too.”

bigshot lawyer: “remember, mr. nelson, that you are under oath. are you telling the truth?”

joey: “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!”