byron cole (stole your lunch money, then said, “keep the change”): busboy at bennigan’s. current romantic interest is wendy, the manager’s seventeen year-old daughter who occasionally flirts with him.

macky jones (beat you up in the school parking lot, december 1989): unmarried, unemployed, (he thinks) underappreciated. applied for a temp job a few years back, but ultimately decided it would interfere with his plans to masturbate all day long.

george journeyman (never picked you to play on his kickball team): bought high, sold low. his weekly lotto numbers are 37, 12, 16, 44, 8, 40. plays semi-professional kickball.

carter wallace (told everyone he saw your mother “doing it” with the principal): has over 300 unpaid parking tickets in the state of oklahoma. therefore, unable to return to the sooner state and pick up the (he thinks) undervalued collection of robocop memorabilia left in haste at his aunt’s house.

jennifer goldstein (said she’d meet you at the mall after school but never showed): substitute high school teacher at woodrow wilson high. gets up at 6:00 every morning and just waits for the phone to ring. yearns for the next flu outbreak.

norm stockton (playground slide hog): remains a virgin to this day.