you may not know this because i never invite you over, but we recently moved out of burbank. now don’t cry, valley scum, i’ll still visit! and don’t worry, tony roma’s burbank, i’m not motivated enough to get another job, so i’ll be working for you for the rest of my life!

anyway, what this means for you, our faithful readers, is that i will be writing more things for this website because, honestly, there’s really nothing else to do while i’m stuck on the 5 than think of hilarious ideas for articles—unless i’m too busy flipping off every old woman who’s driving 30 in the fast lane.

but who wants to be that guy?

thursday night, on my way home from work, i started to pool together all of my thoughts on driving. so, here’s a list of driving habits, etc. and what they say about the person that does them.

drives over 100 mph: whoa, slow down, buddy, this isn’t a race! you’re not taking the time to appreciate the little things in life. you’ve never stopped in the park to watch a leaf fall, and you’ve never just sat on the beach and realized how wonderful life can be. or you’ve mismanaged your time and are late for work. wow, we’ve all been there!

doesn’t use a turn signal: you are an extremely selfish, self-centered person. a turn signal serves no purpose to you; it’s only helpful to other drivers. you like to be on the bottom, and you probably refer to yourself in third-person. anthony always uses his turn signal, unless he’s trying to impress a “lady friend.”

leaves turn signal on for miles: did you forget to lock the front door? did you forget to turn the stove off? do you know where your kids are? how many fingers am i holding up? if you answered “3” to any of these, you are right.

uses the carpool lane: you have a lot of friends. unfortunately, they are all poor and cannot afford cars of their own. you’d think carpooling would be a great way to spend quality time with your closest friends, but have you ever heard of a caravan? nothing says “fun” like a caravan!

rides a motorcycle: it’s just you, by yourself, and you don’t need anybody else. you’re the fastest thing on the road, but where are you going?

yep, that’s the list. as i exited the 134, my belly full of ribs and barbecue sauce, i started to develop this game where i try to think of as many three-letter, two-syllable words as possible, but i couldn’t think of any.