dear diary,

a while ago, this hollywood bigshot named merv griffin came into my office with an idea for a tv show called “what’s the question?”. it was your typical quiz show, except the questions would be worded as answers and the answers as questions. make sense? anyway, at the time, i didn’t like the idea, but i thought, what am i going to do? it’s merv griffin! that guy owns more of broadcast television than the american people.

so we shot a pilot, if i remember correctly, and the show tested well. i thought, whatever, people always like stupid shit. we change the show’s name to “jeopardy.” it turns out that everyone in america LOVES THIS STUPID THING! i’m suddenly swept into the spotlight: i’m doing interviews, i’m producing a new tv show every week, people are recognizing me on the street (even though they’ve never seen me, they just know my name!), and, of course—

i’m getting married! finally!

you see, over the last few years, all of my producer friends have either gotten married or o.d.’ed (that’s a cheap joke, r.i.p.) or become confirmed lifelong bachelors, so i’ve been starting to feel, well, like a loser… eh, more like i haven’t received my invite to that big invitation-only dinner party… or like i haven’t been paying my dues to the mightiest of unions: the union of two souls… make sense?

it doesn’t look like we’re going to have one of those big fancy weddings, though. you know, the ones with the layered cakes and flowers that symbolize a new beginnings and someone’s adorable nephew serving as ring bearers and family being inviteds and honeymoons… i seem to remember her saying something about “doing this only for tax purposes, ” but, whatever, this is a day she’s probably been waiting for since i was a little boy, so i’ll let her plan everything. i’m just here to help out!

oh, diary, i bet you want to know how this all happened! let’s see… i proposed to her last thursday, standing directly underneath the eiffel tower. as the sun was setting and french people were being snobby, i got down on one knee, barechested, and gently said to her, “your response to my marriage proposal,” and she responded, “what is ‘i do’?”

i owe all of this happiness to merv griffin. unfortunately, he has declined to be my best man. or a witness. he’ll have other obligations that day, whenever we set a date.

sincerely,
m.s.g.