the setup: there are three guys in this scene: billy, james, and dave. they’re basically interchangeable characters, but james is the one who just broke up with his girlfriend. as you’ll see, all three guys have a lot to learn about the opposite sex…

james: rachel and i just broke up.

dave: on your anniversary?

james: was it?

billy: forget about her, man. women are stupid.

james: statistically.

billy: statistically, you’re stupid.

james: she said i treated her too much like a woman, and that she wasn’t going to be my “housewife.”

billy: that’s harsh.

dave: yeah, i understand where she’s going with it, though. honestly, i think i’m one of those guys, those guys that still like holding doors and standing on the porch with roses and picking up the check at the restaurant—

james: she pays the tip, though.

billy: and you only do that for the first few dates. after that, you go dutch.

dave: oh, yeah. what am i, made of money? but, i mean, i’m still into the whole chivalry thing, it’s not dead to me, but when i get married, and this is what rachel was talking about, my wife’s gonna work if she wants to… it’s whatever she wants. she’s not going to just stay home and raise babies and clean the house and cook dinner, unless—

billy: if my wife ever tried to cook for me, i’d hit her.

dave: see, billy would hit her. that’s his thing.

james: she would always be mad at me for no reason. it’s like i never had her figured out.

dave: okay, okay. well, who do you think are more emotional, men or women?

(silence. james starts crying.)

billy: way to be an insensitive fucking prick, dave.

james: i’m sorry i’m crying. i thought you said “train station.” rachel and i broke up at a train station.

billy: it’s okay, buddy.

james: she bought a one-way ticket to “no longer in my life,” and that was it. the worst part is… when i got home, there were all these dirty dishes in the sink. i cooked dinner. the least she could’ve done was wash the dishes before she left.