john: i’ve decided to change my name. john wilkes booth has been causing me so many problems.
harvey: it could be difficult being named after a guy who assassinated a president, i guess.
john: yeah.
harvey: what are you going to change it to?
john: lincoln.
harvey: you’re gonna be john lincoln?
john: [...]

over the last few months, i’ve grown a couple moustaches, with varying degrees of success. they’ve been described with the following names:

the adam morrison
the adam morrison II
the “you should stay away from children with that moustache”
the mexican
the snoopy’s uncle
the “i didn’t even notice”
the bruno kirby (i’m the only person who uses this one)

and most [...]

so, like the title says, rob schneider’s e-mail was hacked recently, and, even though everyone thinks he did it on purpose to promote his new movie, i think god did it so that i could laugh really hard for a really long time. here are two of my favorites for right now:

Date: Mon, 12 [...]

them to make sure i’m dead

the harlem globetrotters to give my eulogy, stating that i was the greatest opponent they had ever faced

to be roasted by some of the assholes from the friars club

a stealth bomber to fly over my grave

nickelback to perform “how you remind me”

the police to catch the guy who did it

good [...]

while looking up the start time for the big usa vs mexico game on espn.com, i noticed that espn classics has a series where, well, this…

“Top 5 Reasons You Can’t Blame Bill Buckner For Red Sox Losing The 1986 World Series”

i think my list is probably better:

“my daughter used to sell drugs, and now she sells cookies.”

“my daughter used to sell cookies, and now she’s out selling drugs while i’m stuck here selling her cookies.”

“my daughter used the money she got for girl scout cookies to buy all sorts of drugs.”

“my daughter sells cookies and drugs; would you like to buy [...]

interns

about fifteen years ago, i was the world’s biggest l.a. law fan. like, i have a whole scrapbook of corbin bernsen autographs. this was back when i wanted to write for television, so clackity-clack of the keyboard and out comes this really brilliant fan fiction:

arnie becker and michael kuzak are waiting outside the [...]

over there
right there
no, not there
behind that

i don’t like the word “aloha.” in case you haven’t heard it a million times, aloha can mean both hello and goodbye. that has to be confusing, to have two opposing words come together like that. what i hate most is blah, blah, blah…

here’s a typical scenario:

vince is throwing a hawaiian-themed party [...]