friend
brother
son
hungry
designated driver

1) “i’m the only one” -melissa etheridge
2) “rocketman” -elton john
3) “everybody hurts” -rem/michael stipe

remember when you asked me to write down my predictions for 2005 and put them in a time capsule to be opened in 2025? well, i dug it up already.

and my 2005 predictions were:

the white sox/astros will win their first world series since 1917/ever

global warming will heat the gulf of mexico to devastating [...]

as the self-proclaimed “entertainment reporter with the fattest fingers in the biz,” i’ve been known to make my share of typos.

1. “archaeologists like to do it in the dirt”

why i shouldn’t have slashed your tires in a del taco parking lot:

byron cole (stole your lunch money, then said, “keep the change”): busboy at bennagin’s. current romantic interest is wendy, the manager’s seventeen year-old daughter who occasionally flirts with him.

for the past four years, i’ve been happily filling out surveys given to me on the streets of los angeles.

denial

some of my closest “friends” probably don’t even know this, but i briefly served as creative director for bumpy’s novelty bumper stickers in phoenix, arizona. during my brief tenure, i personally rejected these stickers: