come november, as i did in ‘04, i will be throwing my (pittsburgh) pirates hat into the ring and running for president of the united states. now, be aware, the only reason i’m running is to draw attention to some issues that i believe are important (and to discuss my personal problems with the [...]

john: i’ve decided to change my name. john wilkes booth has been causing me so many problems.
harvey: it could be difficult being named after a guy who assassinated a president, i guess.
john: yeah.
harvey: what are you going to change it to?
john: lincoln.
harvey: you’re gonna be john lincoln?
john: [...]

so, deep throat’s revelation (wake up, history buffs!) was probably the most anticlimactic thing to ever happen.

top 6 reasons why i shouldn’t be a juror:

1. i’m intolerant to all races/religions/creeds, blah, blah, blah
2. everyone “looks guilty”
3. i don’t have directions
4. conjugal visits
5. quote: “i can’t tell if he’s innocent or if he’s just pretending”
6. my oscar picks were way off!

top 3 reasons why i [...]

WHICH supreme court justice was rushed to the hospital after “an intense wave of passion” caused her to faint…

jackie kennedy: in the backseat of a lincoln continental limousine, trying to remember what gets brains out of a wool suit. club soda?

i’ll be honest with you guys. a couple days ago i was really struggling- i had just seen Mr.3000, and it really touched me at the core of my soul. it had me questioning all sorts of things that i had taken for granted (like my pro baseball career).

WHICH democratic presidential never-was recently killed a homeless man in a drunken hit-and-run?

i know you guys needed us here at bloop to say something about the election, so here is a letter i’ve written…