come november, as i did in ‘04, i will be throwing my (pittsburgh) pirates hat into the ring and running for president of the united states. now, be aware, the only reason i’m running is to draw attention to some issues that i believe are important (and to discuss my personal problems with the world media). i know i can’t win. because no one would believe i’m actually thirty-five years old.

if they’d remove the age restriction (that was written way back when america was just a nascent democracy and young people were retarded), then, yes, i honestly think i could beat an old man, a black guy, and a woman in a contest to become the next president of the united states of america. TOPICA

my slogan/platform is pretty simple:

“america: land of the free bagels.”

so, let’s test me:

what do you plan to do about poverty? families without food?

free bagels.

how would you deal with the drug problem in america?

free bagels.

henry bagels is a well-known, unrepentant child molester who is about to be paroled. how do you feel about this?

free bagels.

what are you eating right now?

free bagels. this guy’s handing them out.

So Ben and I have this newish thing called The Ben & Joey Show. It’s a weekly comedy “podcast” featuring two guys talking about stuff (food?) and playing their songs. You can listen on the site, or just subscribe in iTunes. Seriously, go do it.

dear residents,

thank you SO MUCH for all of the toys, appliances, GIZMOS, etc. that were put into the donation box. i was a huge hit at secret santa at work.

merry christmas!

thanks,
hannah
manager

oh my god you guys, the other day i was looking at my VAGINA and i decided that it was just so beautiful that i had to give it a name. i named it “little sarah” but believe me, calling it “little” is being extremely generous.

is it just me or are mexicans EVERYWHERE?

you know what i realized the other day? i’ve never seen a black magician. i wonder why that is… i guess there’s just nothing magical about hot sauce and welfare checks.

did you realize i’m a WOMAN?

VAGINA PENIS FARTS

on new year’s 1973, i watched a ball drop and discussed it on television.

on new year’s 1974, i watched a ball drop and discussed it on television.

on new year’s 1975, i watched a ball drop and discussed it on television.

on new year’s 1976, i watched a ball drop and discussed it on television.

on new year’s 1977, i watched a ball drop and discussed it on television.

on new year’s 1978, i watched a ball drop and discussed it on television.

on new year’s 1979, i watched a ball drop and discussed it on television.

on new year’s 1980, i watched a ball drop and discussed it on television.

...

• already too self-conscious


• didn’t really “get” lord of the rings


• does FUBU make dwarf-sized clothes?


• waaaaaaay too tall

• the san diego zoo (if i were a millionaire!)


• burbank, ca (but just to visit)


• bethesda, maryland (with nancy reagan)


• shark-infested waters


• chocolate city, usa


• heaven (but just to visit)


• the bathroom


• topical


• political


• one more

LIST OF DEMANDS

• larger variety of flavored coffee in the break room


• the approval of our parents


• new media internet blah blah blah


• NO fat chicks


• bigger piece of the pie. the actual pie. yeah, the apple pie looks good today.

these demands are NOT negotiable. watch your back, scabs!

day two
haven’t written anything all day (or over the last three years). joey didn’t want to join the union, so that’s out.

day three
watched leno last night. it was a repeat, but i hadn’t seen it before.

day four
the strike isn’t going as well as i’d hoped. our numbers are growing, though. i met this guy at a coffee shop, and, after reading some of his screenplay (about a guy very much like himself dealing with problems very similar to his own), we started talking strike.

day five
has anyone seen my strike buddy?

day six
another meeting where we failed to reach an agreement has come and gone. will this strike ever end? i sure hope so. if it doesn’t, that would be the end of, uhm…

i can’t help but feel hopeful, though, because i know that somewhere out there, in the midst of all this drama, there is someone (very much like myself) coming home late from another soul-crushing day at their soul-crushing day job (very similar to my own) to spend their shortened evening working on an embarrassingly autobiographical screenplay (well, you’ll read it).

hey guys, good to be back. (this is mr. seinfeld’s first appearance—ed.). so have you seen this new iPhone? i think we’re taking things a little too far now, don’t you? maybe? was there anyone out there who was saying “man, i love my cell phone, i just wish it didn’t have BUTTONS!”. bee movie out in theaters now.

how about airport security? really, you’re gonna make me take off my shoes? look, i’m an adult. i have to get on a plane to go somewhere else and conduct adult business. this is not the ball pit at mcdonald’s. and god forbid you try to travel with the regular size tube of toothpaste. bee movie: hilarious! i play a talking bee!

so what is it about getting tivo that turns you into a blithering idiot who can only talk about how great your tivo is? is tivo paying these guys? it’s like all your friends have turned into telemarketers! “thank you, but i’m very satisffied with my current television setup. and i don’t want to turn into one of you.” have you heard about bee movie? it’s like the graduate meets mr. smith goes to washington, but with bees!

remember my tv show? bee movie!