• phil hartman (murder/suicide – too soon)


• maura tierney (cancer – too soon)


• drake sather (suicide – too soon)


• joe rogan (career suicide)


• khandi alexander (morgue)


• dave foley (goatee)


• jon lovitz (fat/fat guy doing subway commercials)


• vicki lewis (godzilla)


• andy dick (roaming penis)

not bad for my first post in almost two years. right, internet?

• Willenium CD


• 9/11 do-over


• Y2K survival guide


• cash


• sega dreamcast


• mental teleportation away from this awful, shitty decade to the carefree 90s


• seriously, cash


• (i’ll take whatever you can spare)


• (seriously)

i’m trying to get a flash mob going for tomorrow, probably around 1:30pm. how about the food court at the lloyd center? or maybe inside some building downtown? can you imagine all those straightlaced businesspeople when a flash mob shows up out of NOWHERE?

what are you guys thinking? zombies? pirates? standing still? i’m cool with pretty much anything. i saw this one video where everyone brought a jump rope and they went to this supermarket and just started double dutching like crazy! people didn’t know WHAT was going on!

oh yeah that reminds me, we need some people with video cameras. even a cell phone camera works, it has a cool lo-fi look to it too. we can get some serious youtube mileage out of this.

anyway i have some shit to do in the morning, probably the earliest i could do it is 12:30, but 1:00 or 1:30 would give me a better time cushion. maybe late lunch afterward? let’s play it by ear. gimme a ring.

mike, i better see you at this one!

come november, as i did in ‘04, i will be throwing my (pittsburgh) pirates hat into the ring and running for president of the united states. now, be aware, the only reason i’m running is to draw attention to some issues that i believe are important (and to discuss my personal problems with the world media). i know i can’t win. because no one would believe i’m actually thirty-five years old.

if they’d remove the age restriction (that was written way back when america was just a nascent democracy and young people were retarded), then, yes, i honestly think i could beat an old man, a black guy, and a woman in a contest to become the next president of the united states of america. TOPICA

my slogan/platform is pretty simple:

“america: land of the free bagels.”

so, let’s test me:

what do you plan to do about poverty? families without food?

free bagels.

how would you deal with the drug problem in america?

free bagels.

henry bagels is a well-known, unrepentant child molester who is about to be paroled. how do you feel about this?

free bagels.

what are you eating right now?

free bagels. this guy’s handing them out.

So Ben and I have this newish thing called The Ben & Joey Show. It’s a weekly comedy “podcast” featuring two guys talking about stuff (food?) and playing their songs. You can listen on the site, or just subscribe in iTunes. Seriously, go do it.

dear residents,

thank you SO MUCH for all of the toys, appliances, GIZMOS, etc. that were put into the donation box. i was a huge hit at secret santa at work.

merry christmas!

thanks,
hannah
manager

oh my god you guys, the other day i was looking at my VAGINA and i decided that it was just so beautiful that i had to give it a name. i named it “little sarah” but believe me, calling it “little” is being extremely generous.

is it just me or are mexicans EVERYWHERE?

you know what i realized the other day? i’ve never seen a black magician. i wonder why that is… i guess there’s just nothing magical about hot sauce and welfare checks.

did you realize i’m a WOMAN?

VAGINA PENIS FARTS

on new year’s 1973, i watched a ball drop and discussed it on television.

on new year’s 1974, i watched a ball drop and discussed it on television.

on new year’s 1975, i watched a ball drop and discussed it on television.

on new year’s 1976, i watched a ball drop and discussed it on television.

on new year’s 1977, i watched a ball drop and discussed it on television.

on new year’s 1978, i watched a ball drop and discussed it on television.

on new year’s 1979, i watched a ball drop and discussed it on television.

on new year’s 1980, i watched a ball drop and discussed it on television.

...

• already too self-conscious


• didn’t really “get” lord of the rings


• does FUBU make dwarf-sized clothes?


• waaaaaaay too tall

• the san diego zoo (if i were a millionaire!)


• burbank, ca (but just to visit)


• bethesda, maryland (with nancy reagan)


• shark-infested waters


• chocolate city, usa


• heaven (but just to visit)


• the bathroom


• topical


• political


• one more