in light of anthony ruining my strike post with his own strike post anthony’s strike post, consider this post official notice that the writers of bloop are ON STRIKE until our demands are met!

LIST OF DEMANDS

• larger variety of flavored coffee in the break room


• the approval of our parents


• new media internet blah blah blah


• NO fat chicks


• bigger piece of the pie. the actual pie. yeah, the apple pie looks good today.

these demands are NOT negotiable. watch your back, scabs!

day one
yesterday, or whenever, the writers guild of america officially went on strike. this doesn’t really affect me, since i don’t want to be a writer. regardless, i feel that it would be appropriate to propose that we here at bloop also go on strike as a show of support. well, first we should form a union, then go on strike.

day two
haven’t written anything all day (or over the last three years). joey didn’t want to join the union, so that’s out.

day three
watched leno last night. it was a repeat, but i hadn’t seen it before.

day four
the strike isn’t going as well as i’d hoped. our numbers are growing, though. i met this guy at a coffee shop, and, after reading some of his screenplay (about a guy very much like himself dealing with problems very similar to his own), we started talking strike.

day five
has anyone seen my strike buddy?

day six
another meeting where we failed to reach an agreement has come and gone. will this strike ever end? i sure hope so. if it doesn’t, that would be the end of, uhm…

i can’t help but feel hopeful, though, because i know that somewhere out there, in the midst of all this drama, there is someone (very much like myself) coming home late from another soul-crushing day at their soul-crushing day job (very similar to my own) to spend their shortened evening working on an embarrassingly autobiographical screenplay (well, you’ll read it).

“guest bloggers” is a regular series featuring short essays from our famous friends.

hey guys, good to be back. (this is mr. seinfeld’s first appearance—ed.). so have you seen this new iPhone? i think we’re taking things a little too far now, don’t you? maybe? was there anyone out there who was saying “man, i love my cell phone, i just wish it didn’t have BUTTONS!”. bee movie out in theaters now.

how about airport security? really, you’re gonna make me take off my shoes? look, i’m an adult. i have to get on a plane to go somewhere else and conduct adult business. this is not the ball pit at mcdonald’s. and god forbid you try to travel with the regular size tube of toothpaste. bee movie: hilarious! i play a talking bee!

so what is it about getting tivo that turns you into a blithering idiot who can only talk about how great your tivo is? is tivo paying these guys? it’s like all your friends have turned into telemarketers! “thank you, but i’m very satisffied with my current television setup. and i don’t want to turn into one of you.” have you heard about bee movie? it’s like the graduate meets mr. smith goes to washington, but with bees!

remember my tv show? bee movie!

what’s with that show “two and a half men” on, uh, abc? cbs? who does the title refer to? and how is it divided up?

is charlie the half? are they just simply saying that the kid is half of a man? i don’t understand. could charlie and jake both be ¾ of a man and jon cryer is the whole? or is it always fluctuating, but does so without altering the fact that the sum of their manliness is always equal to 2½? and who decided this? and is it as limiting as it seems?

maybe we’ll learn later on in the series that jon cryer is secretly half a man. or a woman like chris o’donnell. that would be great! i wouldn’t see that coming in a million years!

i remember when i posted this three and a half years ago (not really). i was so young, even though i honestly can’t say i know the answers to any of the questions now that i posed then. none of my predictions were accurate, either.

it makes you wonder if i was in the right place to be making decisions that would seriously affect the direction my life would take. maybe i shouldn’t have moved to los angeles. maybe i should’ve taken that job working at my father’s gas station. “full service, madam?” i could’ve been saying at least nine times a day. my hands would be discolored by now, as would my forehead from all the times i wiped the sweat from my brow, removing my cap before doing so.

mario lopez wouldn’t have stolen my pen, the goo goo dolls wouldn’t have depressed the hell out of me, chyna wouldn’t have pursed her lips and removed her glasses in my general direction, i never would’ve drunkenly insulted american idol’s constantine (allegedly), or tried to explain to the guy taking this picture that the sun was going to ruin it, or confused rob schneider with a homeless man, saw erik estrada and a dolphin, or texted joey that i was funnier than the shermanator (allegedly), harrassed greg behrendt and child in the cereal aisle (allegedly), or other things that don’t involve celebrities.

so a lot has happened since i’ve moved here, but the only sign of growth, the only glimmer of maturity, the only change i can see, the only difference between then and now, i think, is that i’ve stopped posting on this site.

and i am (was) proud of that.

used to hate it
now i
tolerate it

omg stand-up really sucks. it’s so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so awful.

what’s the problem? am i not getting drunk enough?

from netflix:

Because you enjoyed:

* National Lampoon’s Vacation and Funny Farm

We think you’ll enjoy: Funny Money

i think i might.

“this foxworthy guy’s pretty funny. he should be a comedian.”
“hey, idiot, the answer’s 200!”
“bill clinton was a good president.”

before there were pie charts
before there was pie
before you could sky dive
before there was sky

before there was lemonade
before there was AIDS
back when a razor
had only one blade

before there were muslims
before there were jews
before gomer pyle
before there was booze

before there were hate crimes
before there were crimes
before there was timecop
before there was time

LIFE WAS BULLSHIT

look, there’s been a lot of talk lately and i would just like to take a few minutes to dispel some of the rumors that have been flying around about me:

i never toured with the eagles
i was, however, the bassist of a local group that opened for them at a 1973 show in phoenix.

i cannot drink a gallon of milk in under an hour
(getting closer though)

i never wore the same shirt every day for a year
i’m not really sure how this one got started, but believe me there isn’t an ounce of truth to it.

i was not “paul” on the wonder years
but i was a huge fan of the show.

billie jean is not my lover
and obviously, the kid is not my son.