what’s with that show “two and a half men” on, uh, abc? cbs? who does the title refer to? and how is it divided up?

is charlie the half? are they just simply saying that the kid is half of a man? i don’t understand. could charlie and jake both be ¾ of a man and jon cryer is the whole? or is it always fluctuating, but does so without altering the fact that the sum of their manliness is always equal to 2½? and who decided this? and is it as limiting as it seems?

maybe we’ll learn later on in the series that jon cryer is secretly half a man. or a woman like chris o’donnell. that would be great! i wouldn’t see that coming in a million years!

i remember when i posted this three and a half years ago (not really). i was so young, even though i honestly can’t say i know the answers to any of the questions now that i posed then. none of my predictions were accurate, either.

it makes you wonder if i was in the right place to be making decisions that would seriously affect the direction my life would take. maybe i shouldn’t have moved to los angeles. maybe i should’ve taken that job working at my father’s gas station. “full service, madam?” i could’ve been saying at least nine times a day. my hands would be discolored by now, as would my forehead from all the times i wiped the sweat from my brow, removing my cap before doing so.

mario lopez wouldn’t have stolen my pen, the goo goo dolls wouldn’t have depressed the hell out of me, chyna wouldn’t have pursed her lips and removed her glasses in my general direction, i never would’ve drunkenly insulted american idol’s constantine (allegedly), or tried to explain to the guy taking this picture that the sun was going to ruin it, or confused rob schneider with a homeless man, saw erik estrada and a dolphin, or texted joey that i was funnier than the shermanator (allegedly), harrassed greg behrendt and child in the cereal aisle (allegedly), or other things that don’t involve celebrities.

so a lot has happened since i’ve moved here, but the only sign of growth, the only glimmer of maturity, the only change i can see, the only difference between then and now, i think, is that i’ve stopped posting on this site.

and i am (was) proud of that.

used to hate it
now i
tolerate it

omg stand-up really sucks. it’s so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so awful.

what’s the problem? am i not getting drunk enough?

from netflix:

Because you enjoyed:

* National Lampoon’s Vacation and Funny Farm

We think you’ll enjoy: Funny Money

i think i might.

“this foxworthy guy’s pretty funny. he should be a comedian.”
“hey, idiot, the answer’s 200!”
“bill clinton was a good president.”

before there were pie charts
before there was pie
before you could sky dive
before there was sky

before there was lemonade
before there was AIDS
back when a razor
had only one blade

before there were muslims
before there were jews
before gomer pyle
before there was booze

before there were hate crimes
before there were crimes
before there was timecop
before there was time

LIFE WAS BULLSHIT

look, there’s been a lot of talk lately and i would just like to take a few minutes to dispel some of the rumors that have been flying around about me:

i never toured with the eagles
i was, however, the bassist of a local group that opened for them at a 1973 show in phoenix.

i cannot drink a gallon of milk in under an hour
(getting closer though)

i never wore the same shirt every day for a year
i’m not really sure how this one got started, but believe me there isn’t an ounce of truth to it.

i was not “paul” on the wonder years
but i was a huge fan of the show.

billie jean is not my lover
and obviously, the kid is not my son.

soylent green tea
gin & tombstone
gatoNRAde
the tab commandments
the omegarmeister
michael moore’s blood

how are you supposed to feel when you see a talented actor whose work you enjoyed waiting tables at the cheesecake factory?

how are you supposed to feel when you see a talented actor that you really like playing the grapes in a fruit of the loom commercial?