earlier today, i got a call from my temp agency about a mortgage company-related job or something. the company wanted me to drive over to their office just to make sure i would be able to find it, which is kind of insulting. i asked the temp woman how possible it was that i would get the job.

i guess i worded that poorly because she said, “it doesn’t seem impossible at all. it seems very possible that you’d be able to find it. very possible.”

john: i’ve decided to change my name. john wilkes booth has been causing me so many problems.
harvey: it could be difficult being named after a guy who assassinated a president, i guess.
john: yeah.
harvey: what are you going to change it to?
john: lincoln.
harvey: you’re gonna be john lincoln?
john: no, john wilkes lincoln-booth.

“guest bloggers” is a regular series featuring short essays from our famous friends.

since we wrapped season 5 of scrubs i’ve had a lot of downtime, and i’ve been watching a lot of CNN, just to kind of get a feel for what’s going on in the world.

man, i didn’t know immigration was such a big deal. i think both sides make a lot of convincing points, but i’m not sure what to think. one on hand, i think everyone should be able to have a shot at the american dream, but on the other hand, i wouldn’t want fez from that 70’s show stealing my role on scrubs! seriously, i poured so much of myself into that character it’s not even funny. so i guess it’s complicated.

is tom cruise crazy or what?

EVERYONE reading this should write their representatives in washington and ask them what they’re doing about the situation in darfur.

oh man, i just watched the video of stephen colbert and the white house press dinner on youtube and i’m still cracking up. that took some balls! i should do his show when i have another movie to promote.

clippers vs. lakers in the playoffs, man i’m psyched.

i don’t know if you guys have read about this, because it’s not getting a lot of media coverage, but some miners are trapped in a tasmanian gold mine. sure, when this happens in “the states” it’s a huge story, but when it happens in tasmania, it’s on the back page? they’ve been down there for 10 days! i mean, i know it’s just 2 guys, but still. kind of makes you think…

listening to: the shins
feeling: stressed

over the last few months, i’ve grown a couple moustaches, with varying degrees of success. they’ve been described with the following names:

• the adam morrison
• the adam morrison II
• the “you should stay away from children with that moustache”
• the mexican
• the snoopy’s uncle
• the “i didn’t even notice”
• the bruno kirby (i’m the only person who uses this one)

and most recently…

• the wyatt earp not really more like kevin costner in that movie where he plays wyatt earp

...so, what’s next? i’m taking requests, but, honestly, they all make me look like snoopy’s uncle.

whoa. what a crazy four and half months. for those bloopsters that aren’t “in the know,” i’ve been locked up in a texas state penitentiary since early january.

due to on-going legal stipulations i can’t really explain why, but take this advice: “officer bitch” is probably not the best way to address a lady of the law.

don’t worry about me though, i’m doing great. Lamont (one of the only non-stuck up dudes i’ve met in the pen) has been helping me workout. I’ve already tripled the size of my upper delts and sextupled (6x?) my lower lats.

and they just installed wi-fi in the commons area in an attempt to quell the daily riots (keep fingers crossed), so i can update on bloop all the time!

my appeal has been going pretty slow, but i know justice will prevail. the american legal system may not be perfect, but it’s still the best one we’ve got.

sincerly,
Peter
inmate #45692

P.S. keep those letters coming tony!

“guest bloggers” is a regular series featuring short essays from our famous friends.

you know bloop is in trouble when they bring in a jew! jew jew jewdy joo jew jews! seriously though, these kids have a great site they’ve put together here, it really is an honor to work with them. i feel like the wrinkled old grandma at the bar mitzvah who has a glass of manischewitz and ends up doing the electric slide! new york’s the greatest city on earth!

since text books are written by RICH WHITE MALES with a vested interest in the STATUS QUO, there’s all kinds of stuff they don’t teach you in american history class. well i’m here to blow the lid off this shit:

• your vote counts—AGAINST YOU
• the first black president: george washington (CARVER)
• a panel of jews, freemasons & friars meets every january 1 to determine who will win that year’s elections, super bowl & american idol
• jesus was NOT an american
• not only did nixon know about pearl harbor before it happened, he convinced his ex-wife to take a vacation there just to “teach the bitch a lesson”
• communism: probably worth a shot
• martin luther king, jr. actually owned more than 30 slaves, but he treated them well
• elections are held on tuesday to make voting harder for people who have to do real work

so, like the title says, rob schneider’s e-mail was hacked recently, and, even though everyone thinks he did it on purpose to promote his new movie, i think god did it so that i could laugh really hard for a really long time. here are two of my favorites for right now:

Date: Mon, 12 Feb 1991 11:20:26 -0500
From: kool_cindy3432434242@hotmail.com
To: robbehavingbadly@yahoo.com
Subject: our date

hey rob!

next time you try to pick up a girl don’t say you can deliver adam sandler if you CAN NOT deliver adam sandler!

-cindy

Date: Mon, 12 Feb 1991 11:20:26 -0500
From: asandler@hotmail.com
To: robbehavingbadly@yahoo.com
Subject: couch

yo rob,

it’s sandler. get off the couch, buddy… it’s time.

-adam

hey singer/songwriters,

hey, that’s a really nice sweater! anyway, i’m just writing you guys with a really funny idea i had: maybe you should do an ironic cover version of a really ridiculous and profane rap song (possibly from the early/mid 90’s, but that’s your call) and sing it really earnestly. it would be so hilarious!!!

oh wait, you’ve already done it a thousand times and it’s always really fucking lame. i hate you.

love,
joey

well, it’s tax time, that annual ritual where we part with our hard-earned blood money to keep america running at peak efficiency! it may seem like everyone loves to hate tax season, but quite a few folks just plain love it:

• the wealthiest 1%
• prisoner-torturing american soldiers everywhere (payday, dudes!)
• jesus (rose from the dead on tax day just to mail his 1040EZ!)
• fans of paperwork
• fans of papercuts
• fans of paper moon
• h & r block (herbet & ronald block, just two guys)
• emma watson (born april 15, 1990)