let’s pretend that the reason we haven’t been posting much is because we’ve been working on splideo, a blog about crazy shit on google video. what’s up with you?

february is without a doubt probably my favorite month of the year, and i’ll give you one guess why! here’s a hint: chocolate!

that’s right, february is black history month, that oh-so-short span of four weeks where we break out our roots special edition dvds and cosby show dvd box sets and barbershop special edition dvds and and and…

anyway, let’s take a second to think about what could have been in our new regular feature, “what if?”

what if…

• rosa parks rode the short bus?
• kobe only scored 80 points?
• hangin’ with mr. cooper had been given a decent timeslot?
• malcolm x wasn’t such a dick?
• gregory hines never invented ketchup?
• crash was a documentary?

i think it’s safe to say our world would be quite a different place.

i don’t like the word “aloha.” in case you haven’t heard it a million times, aloha can mean both hello and goodbye. that has to be confusing, to have two opposing words come together like that. what i hate most is blah, blah, blah…

here’s a typical scenario:

vince is throwing a hawaiian-themed party while his parents are out of town. it’s supposed to be cool—a keg and a lot of girls are gonna be there. as carl approaches the party, he sees his friend, howard, walking out…

howard: aloha.
carl: bye.
howard: OH, I’M NOT LEAVING!

see what i’m saying?

from now on, when a guy has a boner for george clooney, it will be called a “clooner.”

daniel thompson knocks on a big, wooden door. he hears his boss, mr. prell…

prell: ah, come in, mr. thompson.

daniel: thank you for seeing me.

prell: let’s go. make it fucking snappy.

daniel: right. uhm, mr. prell, i’ve worked in this mailroom for, oh, over a year now, and i think i’ve been very dedicated to this company and that my being here has been very beneficial to you, uhm, personally. okay? what i’m saying is, i’d like, if possible, i’d like a raaaaaaaaaise.

prell: of sunshine.

daniel: what?

prell: nothing. cute outfit, by the way.

daniel: thanks.

prell: so, a raise? hmmm, a raise, a raise, a raise, a raise? let me work this out here on paper.

daniel: i was promised a raaaaaaaaise after six months, and that never materialized?

prell: last chance.

daniel: what?

prell: deal. sorry, danny boy, i had to take that phone call.

daniel: oh.

prell: you were saying?

daniel: i would like a raaaaaaaaise.

prell: before that?

daniel: i was silent.

prell: hmmm, a raise? isn’t there someone else you could ask about this? i’m right in the middle of lunch here.

daniel: uhm, you’ve already eaten?

prell: digesting, danny boy.

daniel: look, tom, i know you got to this position because you’re one of the best negotiators in the biz, but i’m begging you!

prell: don’t beg me, kid. do you have any idea who i am? i’m a monarch and a patriach and a patron saint and a diplomat and an ambassador and an aristocrat and a president and a limo driver all rolled into one! look at me! i’m a classy guy! and i’m one of the best negotiators in the biz! don’t come in here and insult me with your groveling.

daniel: i don’t mean to.

prell: just look at me! it’s casual friday, and this is a $3,000 suit!

daniel: i noticed the price tag.

prell: this suit and this watch could cover your raise. oh, is that what you want? the suit off my back?

daniel: if that’s your offer, yes.

prell: last chance.

daniel: i’ll take it.

prell: deal. wow, this belt’s a little tricky. hey, we should change “casual friday” to “naked friday.” what do you think?

daniel: i think i like that belt.

happy new years, peter!

great christmas this year! i gave nothing and got so much in return!

aunt jane
wanted: anything that could be exchanged
received: vintage pornography, has sentimental value?

rich uncle
wanted: summer house in europe
received: christmas card, no cash, best wishes, happy holidays

grandma
wanted: yellow sweater
received: yellow sweater, four years in a row

parents
wanted: 2006 porsche cayman
received: nothing, they forgot?

everyone’s invited to my new years ‘06 party! except for… whatever, i don’t hold grudges… anyway, to get some buzz going, i’m posting a few testimonials from that big millennium bash i hosted a few years back! remember that? good answer! if you remembered it, you weren’t there!

dorothy kilmer, good friend: “anthony just had “we’re gonna party like it’s 1999” playing on repeat the whole night, which really meant that we partied like it was 1987.”

helen jillmania, co-worker: “anthony prophetically toasted that this millennium will be better than the last. has it been? i don’t know. time will tell.”

lindsey goldrush, acquaintance: “i can safely say that it was the best millennium party i’d been to that day.”

mike adams, co-worker: “his apartment looked a lot bigger from the outside. he’s overpaying big time for that place.”

ken scranton, brother-in-law: “at the end of the night, anthony finally revealed his millennium resolution, and it was a little embarrassing. i didn’t really need to know that about him.”

david stoich, walk-in: “the chips were old… the dip was just terrible… there weren’t enough napkins… my hands were dirty the whole time.”

wilma june, girlfriend: “i didn’t show up, but to this day he thinks i was there. i don’t have to tell you that there were better parties.”

jessica brasco, friend: “who? what?”

may 5, 2005
my journey begins in the city of miracles—hollywood, ca. bags in both hands, i’m standing on the corner of hopes and dreams. lots of people are here trying to wave down taxis. the cabs aren’t stopping for them, but for some reason i don’t have any problems getting one. i hop in, wave goodbye to my new friends, who seem frustrated, and am on my way.

it feels like i’m going to start drooling with anticipation. all these stains lead me to believe that others have drooled here before me. i feel like a part of history. i lay my head on the seat and just absorb all the history.

this trip will be one for the history books.

may 8, 2005
after a few days in the backseat of walter’s cab, and after some really deep conversations where all walter does is listen, i begin to smell it in the air. the scent of smog and exhaust and the midwest has been replaced with… chocolate!

i get out of the cab on the corner of cocoa and chocolate and tip walter $4 (that’s good, right?). my next thought is, where to, buddy?

cab fare: $3,467
sleeping arrangements: walter and i shared a bed

may 9, 2005
hershey museum, day one

may 10, 2005
hershey museum, day two

may 11, 2005
hershey museum, day three

may 15, 2005
i miss walter.

may 16, 2005
i’m robbed at gunpoint today. it turns out to be a hershey’s bar. oh, well, i need more room in my luggage and wallet to carry all of the chocolate souvenirs for everyone!

may 17, 2005
i have a tummy ache.

has anybody here heard about eye-licking? it’s some fetish where one partner orally stimulates the other’s sclera (outer eye) with their tongue.

apparently it feels pretty good, but i don’t think i’d like it cause i don’t like stuff in my eye.