Who are we and what are we doing?

This is the first issue of scrape, Clark’s underground school paper. Actually, we are Clark’s only newspaper. Apparently the school doesn’t want students to voice their opinions; it would be too dangerous. So, that’s exactly what we are going to do.

What we are doing is perfectly legal. However, the school will most likely view it as insubordination (or some other rubbish like that), and try to stop us ASAP. We are not using our names because we want to avoid harassment for as long as possible. They will undoubtedly try to "crack down" on us soon, but we are here for the duration. That’s right, you’re stuck with us.

If there’s one thing you can learn from us, it should be that there is more than one way to think. We are trying to do that by showing different viewpoints (many of which you will probably not be used to seeing.) So, enjoy the change of perspective. Try it yourself, see how it feels.

My school is racist

In America, schools used to be segregated. Now, only the curriculum is.

For thousands of years, race relations have been a controversial topic. In our modern society, everyone (with the exception of a few psychos) seems to agree that you can not judge a person by his or her skin. In essence, all people are equal.

But our government (and our public schools) seem to be sending us a different message.

February is Black History Month. The idea is for students to spend the month studying the achievements and history of African-Americans. But this raises a few questions. Ask yourself, should we study the history of White America for 8 months, and spend only February (the shortest month of the year) learning about African-American history? That very idea is absurd.

Let’s try to solve this problem with a little bit of logic, beginning with the dissection of the term "African-American." This term is used to refer to an American citizen whose ancestors originated from the African continent. Yes, that’s American citizen. Seeing as how American history is usually studied in chronological order (from Columbus up, in the traditional American self-centered view), these achievements of Black Americans ought to be mixed in, following the timeline.

The goal of Black History Month is to promote awareness of the achievements of African-Americans. However, by only spending one month doing this, our school promotes racism.

Please, take time to learn about all people, regardless of the month.

As you all know, our rights have been grossly violated with the recent contract signed between PISD (what a splendid acronym) and Dr. Pepper. Here are some numbers:

$1,000,000: Price paid to PISD (yearly) for Dr. Pepper to be the exclusive beverage provider.

43,500: PISD’s estimate of students enrolled this year.

2,500: Estimated PISD staff (teachers, secretaries, principals, winos, etc.)

$21.74: Your net worth, according to PISD and Dr. Pepper.

This is not a good thing. What can you do about it? Do not buy anything from the drink machines! You will only be supporting this exploitation of your rights! Ideas for fun pranks:

1. "Out of order" signs on every Dr. Pepper machine in your school!

2. Buy a bunch of cokes at Sam’s and sell them at school for thirty cents. When The Man tries to stop you, begin screaming "America is based on the free enterprise system! Leave me alone you treasonous bastards!"

3. Make a bunch of counterfeit bills and use them to buy that poisonous slop. Even better: write fun political messages on them.

4. Get a tank of liquid nitrogen. Cover the machines in it. The drinks inside will get cold, expand, and their containers will explode, resulting in mayhem.

5. Chain yourself to one of the machines and insist that you will not leave until the new millennium.

6. Pick the locks and steal $21.74 for everyone present.

Why we can do this

Who doesn’t love the First Amendment? Those communist fools had it all wrong!

The year was 1969. Man walked on the moon. The Cold War was only beginning. Bill Clinton was "not inhaling" in England.

But what relevance do these things have to your life? Absolutely none. But something else very important happened in 1969. The Supreme Court made a judgement in a case called Tinker vs. Des Moines. The court said that students going to public schools retain all of their First Amendment rights inside said schools.

Students may express themselves in any way as long as they do not "materially and substantially" disrupt classes or other school activities. Yes, this would include running a crummy, cheaply-produced underground paper. So we are indeed completely within our rights.

This represents the ultimate decision on the issue of student rights. No other decisions (or laws) exist to make our actions illegal.

In a 1988 Supreme Court case (Hazlewood School District vs. Kuhlmeier), the court made a decision which violates the rights of students everywhere. They gave school administrators the ultimate authority when it came to content of an official school paper, yearbook, play, etc. Now, if a principal disapproves of a controversial article, they have the authority to take it out of the paper.

This, however, is not an issue for our school. In Clark’s eternal struggle to silence the voices of students, no official school paper exists. We are not funded or distributed by the school, so we are not an official school paper. Therefore, this decision does not apply to us, nor limit our rights.

Regarding other students’ rights, the Tinker vs. Des Moines decision still applies. This decision states that a student is allowed to voice his or her opinions orally or in writing—underground papers, T-shirts, buttons, bracelets: whatever. The only way the school can limit one of these rights is if your statement is deemed vulgar or indecent (i.e. against dress code.)

In many classes, issues have come up regarding the pledge of allegiance. The Supreme Court has ruled that a student is not required to stand and recite the pledge. The Court says that forcing you to say something violates your First Amendment rights just as much as not letting you say something.

Now that you know your rights, do yourself a favor and exercise them.

TAAS (and other funny jokes)

Exercises in educational redundancy.

Well, folks, TAAS scores are dropping faster than Clinton’s pants, and school officials are worried. As a result, sophomores are being subjected to inane third grade vocabulary drills in every class.

Now, let’s try to get this straight. Those of us who can comprehend words on this level obviously do not need this excessively brainless drilling. And those of us who are not on this level are not going to become Shakespeare overnight.

A number of inside sources (teachers, faculty members, etc.) have confirmed the fact that PISD is not doing this in order to help students, only to promote its amazingly ironic image of "caring for the community."

Why the double timing? PISD knows that these profoundly redundant drills are not helping anyone. They are justifying these actions with the naive impression that the tests will improve student morale.

How ironic. These deadening liaisons in vocabulary only create an environment of distress, chaos, and depression among students (as well as teachers.) No one likes them, and no one is benefiting from them. Why not just teach us Newspeak (1984 reference)?

With block scheduling (a whole other matter), we have 4 classes a day. We spend five minutes on this capitalist dishevelment in every class. That is a 20 minute span in which we could be engaging in productive, rewarding activities (like smoking heroin or drinking Dr. Pepper.)

At least when you’re sitting in a lifeless room, anxiously anticipating your TAAS booklet, you can hold your number 2 pencil high, content with the knowledge that you are well prepared for the test you are about to take.

Capitalism at its finest

Dr. Pepper brings you the Clark High School Dr. Pepper Bowl.

Given the current trends of major corporations sponsoring athletic events in order to shamelessly promote their wares, it is only a matter of time (especially considering the current situation) before it happens here.

So maybe next year (after the general population is brainless due to mind-controlling substances injected into Dr. Pepper), we won't really object when school windows are replaced with Dr. Pepper ads. Or perhaps when they change the name of our school to "Dr. Pepper High."

Does it really sound that impossible?